


illicit affairs

by krissywrites_stuff



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M, im really bad at tagging, not edited much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26384290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krissywrites_stuff/pseuds/krissywrites_stuff
Summary: For Arthur, he would ruin himself a million times.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), background Gwen/Arthur Pendragon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	illicit affairs

Merlin creeps through Gaius chambers, golden candlelight casting shadows around the room. Merlin feels a pang of guilt that Gaius seemed to have been trying to wait up for him, but no one was allowed to see him sneaking back. Even Gaius, by Arthur's strict instructions. That's just how things were, if Merlin wants to continue what they have.

Gwen is gone for a few days, in a kingdom to make an alliance with another queen. It’s the best of days and the worst of days when this happens. Merlin tells himself he can stop anytime, that he has some control over this, but it's a glaring lie even for him. He can't stop himself from lingering in Arthur's chambers, when it's just the two of them. Like he can pretend, only for a moment, that it's their chambers. Arthur is like the most addictive of drugs, all threads of red and gold wrapping him up as if trapping him slowly. And he lets it happen.

Merlin can’t help himself. From the first time he realized he loved Arthur, when he had really believed that destiny would bring them together, he was gone for his king. This wasn’t quite what he dreamed of, but that never stopped anything. Illusions of love danced around ballrooms while reality snuck around the halls well after dark.

It had certainly felt like destiny when Merlin had looked into Arthur’s eyes and seen _something else._ Nothing had happened then, with Arthur too busy dancing with all the visiting ladies, but Merlin never forgot it. He should have realized that the nothing was a sign of everything that wouldn’t happen.

But once Arthur had said meet him in his room for the first time, there was no realizing. Only hoping. Merlin has heard those words a hundred times since, and he never stops hoping. Maybe Arthur was right when he called him a fool. But he would be anything if it meant this never stopped. If it meant he could pretend a little longer that he really meant something.

Even though it meant they kept lying to Gwen and betraying her, over and over. That did hurt Merlin, to betray what was once his best friend for some illusion of love. But obviously not enough. Maybe once in the beginning he could have told her, but it’s gone on too long now. Far too destructive of a secret, able to do too much damage to everything he has.

And every time Arthur said his name, it's like the scraping of nails dragging up blood and every miracle all at once. It's an addicting, enticing feeling. A secret that is just theirs. A promise eating Merlin alive. The world would just be so dull without the red and gold of Arthur.

He falls back on his bed, the high of the night wearing off, leaving just Merlin for the hundredth time. Forever seems so far away in these moments, like he could reach out and touch the truth. But he doesn’t, because he would ruin himself a million times for Arthur.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Taylor Swift's illicit affairs.
> 
> Not really edited, just had to write it because the idea wouldn't leave me alone😂


End file.
